In a world that thrives on likes, shares, and applause, the pull of external validation can feel inescapable. Yet, living for others' approval often distances us from our authentic selves. Liberation from this cycle is an act of reclaiming our power.
As Brené Brown wisely asks in The Gifts of Imperfection:
“What’s the greater risk? Letting go of what people think … or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?”
This question challenges us to prioritize our internal compass over the fluctuating opinions of others.
Why Do We Crave External Validation?
Humans are wired for connection. Validation from others once ensured survival in tribes. However, in today’s complex societies, seeking approval has morphed into a relentless need for affirmation, a need often exploited by social media and cultural norms.
Psychologist Nathaniel Branden, in The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, explains, “Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves.” When we rely too heavily on external validation, we sacrifice this internal reputation for fleeting external praise. (more about self-esteem here)
Signs You’re Trapped by External Validation
Overthinking decisions: Do you constantly wonder how others will perceive your choices?
Avoiding authenticity: Are you hesitant to share your true thoughts or feelings?
Feeling empty despite praise: Does approval from others fail to provide lasting satisfaction?
Strategies to Liberate Yourself
Here are actionable steps to break free from the need for external validation:
1. Cultivate Self-Awareness
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom,” said Aristotle. Start by understanding why you seek approval. Is it fear of rejection? A need for belonging?
Practice mindfulness to identify moments when you’re chasing validation
Journal about your motivations and feelings to uncover patterns
2. Reconnect with Your Values
When decisions align with your core values, external opinions lose their grip.
Identify your top 3-5 personal values (e.g., integrity, creativity, kindness).
Reflect on how your actions support these values rather than others’ expectations
3. Shift from External to Internal Validation
Build self-trust by celebrating your efforts and resilience.
After completing a task, ask yourself: “What am I proud of?” instead of “What will others think?”
Create a “self-validation” journal where you record daily affirmations or personal wins
4. Limit Social Media Consumption
Social media can amplify the hunger for external validation. Take control of your digital habits.
Set time limits for social media use.
Curate your feed to follow accounts that inspire authenticity and self-worth
5. Build Relationships That Celebrate Authenticity
Surround yourself with people who uplift you for who you are, not what you do.
Foster friendships with individuals who value honesty and vulnerability
Be intentional about minimizing interactions with overly judgmental or critical individuals
6. Practice Self-Compassion
As Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, notes, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.”
When self-critical thoughts arise, counter them with affirmations like, “I am enough.”
Treat mistakes as learning opportunities rather than failures
7. Celebrate Your Uniqueness
Oscar Wilde famously said, “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Embrace your individuality as your greatest asset.
Take CliftonStrengths assessment (ask me for a discounted access code!) and discover your unique talents. Refer to them regularly
Engage in activities that let your authentic self shine, like hobbies or creative pursuits
Your Authentic Self Awaits
Each step toward self-trust and authenticity brings you closer to a life where you’re guided by your values, not others’ expectations.
“When you do not seek or need external approval, you are at your most powerful.” - Caroline Myss
Hi, I’m Monika, Strengths Coach, facilitator, social-profit organization leader, and photographer. I’m here to help you own your vision for meaningful growth and transformation, uncover your unique leadership strengths, and empower you and your team to thrive and create lasting impact. Passionate about driving change within, around, and beyond, I love supporting fellow change-makers on their journeys.
I hope you’ll visit often, and I look forward to connecting and working together!
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