The Defiant Path: Leading a Life That’s Truly Yours

We don’t like defiance. Not in teenagers, not in colleagues, not in ourselves.

It disrupts. Refuses. Challenges the norm.

And yet, defiance might be one of the most essential leadership qualities we never talk about. Especially when it comes to leading our own lives.

Defiance isn’t just rebellion for its own sake. It’s the refusal to shrink into expectations that don’t fit. It’s a boundary line that says: not this. In psychological terms, defiance often emerges as a protective mechanism, especially in environments where autonomy, dignity, or emotional safety were missing.

For many who’ve experienced trauma, especially in childhood or adolescence, defiance became a way to survive. To resist becoming invisible. To say: I am still here.

From Survival to Creation

But what starts as resistance can evolve into vision.

If survival-mode defiance says, “You won’t break me,”then creative defiance says, “I’ll build something new.”

This is the transformation from defense to design.

In her interviews about the newly launched Atelier Jolie, Angelina Jolie shared that what excites her most is supporting creators and artists: people with “a little bit of madness.” 

What she’s really talking about is creative defiance: the bold refusal to stay in the lines, to do it the way it’s always been done.

Defiance, then, is not the opposite of leadership. It is its unacknowledged origin story.

This isn't just about artists. It’s about leaders, change-makers, mothers, and managers.

Defiance, in its healthy form, is the force that interrupts inherited scripts and insists on something more true.

bell hooks called this “the practice of freedom”:

“The moment we choose to love, we begin to move against domination, against oppression.”

For many of us, choosing to live and lead truthfully is an act of quiet rebellion, one rooted in love.

When Defiance Doesn’t Fit the Suit

Years ago, I gave a demo workshop on innovation and creativity to a Harvard Business School professor. I cited a piece from their own research:

“Managing creatives is like herding cats.” At the end of my session, they asked:

“So, how much of a cat is there in you?” Without hesitation I answered: “Quite a bit.”

It was the truth. And, predictably, I didn’t get the job.

A friend of mine did. He wore a tailored suit, said all the right things, delivered a polished presentation that stayed within the lines. He was school-perfect.

I was something else: intuitive, defiant, creative. And I’m telling you this not as a lesson in how to land a job, but in how not to abandon yourself trying to be who you think they want.

The Assertiveness Penalty Is Real, Especially for Women

In my article, Taking Your Power Back, I write about the assertiveness penalty, the documented bias where women who speak directly or claim authority are judged more harshly than men.

This shows up at work, in our homes, even in friendships.

We internalize the message:

• Don’t be too much

• Don’t be difficult

• Don’t rock the boat

  
  

And yet, what if rocking the boat is how you finally steer the ship?

There’s an old saying:

“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.”—John A. Shedd

If you’ve been trying to anchor in perfection, stay agreeable, or shrink into the version of you that causes the least waves, ask yourself: What is the risk of never leaving the harbor?

From "Too Much" to Just Enough

Brené Brown reminds us: “Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” Healthy defiance is born in that space.

It’s vulnerable to say:

• This isn’t working for me

• This isn’t who I am

• I want more

  
  

It might cost you approval. It might not land you the job. But it will reconnect you to your own integrity.

And that, in the end, is where  leading a life that’s truly yours begins.

The Function of Defiance in Self-Leadership

Defiance isn’t about burning things down. It’s about not betraying yourself.

In leadership, especially of your own life, there comes a moment when pleasing others, fitting in, and playing small can no longer coexist with your growth. That’s the moment defiance becomes vital.

Defiance says:

• I won’t stay silent

• I don’t agree with this direction

• This doesn’t reflect my values

• There must be another way

  
  

When we allow ourselves to follow the thread of our defiance, we often find not destruction, but truth, clarity, and creativity.

A Defiant Invitation to Leading a Life That’s Truly Yours

Ask yourself:

• Where have I made myself smaller to be more palatable?

• What would change if I chose authenticity over approval?

• What part of me have I been hiding to keep the peace?

• What truth am I afraid to say out loud, even to myself?

  
  

You may not get applause. But you may get clarity. Self-trust. Freedom, and often, great friendships!

And that’s the kind of leadership no title can give you, and no one can take away.

If you’re ready to stop playing small and lead from truth, I’d be honoured to walk with you.

As a coach, I help leaders like you reclaim your voice, your power, and your next bold move. Let’s design your defiant next chapter, together.

Book a free discovery call bellow or email me directly at monika@goodone.ca

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Hi, I’m Monika, Strengths Coach and facilitator. I help individuals and groups cultivate resilience, emotional intelligence, and well-being through strengths-based coaching. Passionate about transformative and creative leadership, I empower leaders to drive meaningful change within themselves, their organizations, and beyond.

I hope you’ll visit often, and I look forward to connecting and working together!