Self-Empathy: Taking Your Power Back

kawkapc
Jun 1
5 min read

Updated: Jun 3

“When you do not seek or need external approval, you are at your most powerful.” — Caroline Myss

The Empathy Reflex, and Its Hidden Trap

Most of us women don’t need a seminar on reading a room; decades of social wiring mean we clock micro-moods and sprint to soothe them. Meta-analyses confirm we score higher than men on empathic concern and perspective-taking, but when researchers equalize motivation, the gender gap nearly disappears. In short, women work at empathy because we were trained it matters.

That invisible labour is rarely counted. In the office, shifting from nurturer to self-advocate triggers the “assertiveness penalty”: the very behaviour labelled “leadership” in men is called “unlikeable” in women.

Remember how Hillary Clinton kept getting whiplashed on the campaign trail, “too tough” one day, “not warm enough” the next? That’s the assertiveness penalty in action: the louder she owned her expertise, the harsher the push-back. Her experience is a public mirror of what many women meet privately: every time we speak up for ourselves, someone reaches for the “likeability” dial.

Clinton’s real lesson isn’t the penalty itself, it’s that external judgement is fickle.

Self-empathy keeps the centre of gravity inside you, so your power isn’t handed over every time someone labels you “too much.”

At home, shifting from nurturer to self-advocate mutates into self-silencing, turning down our own volume until the body raises the alarm. Chronic self-silencing has been linked to higher rates of depression, autoimmune disease and even mortality.

When needs stay bottled, many of us anesthetize instead. Pandemic data show mothers were 46 % more likely than child-free women to increase alcohol use, a numbing strategy for needs that never get voiced.

From Feeling to Need

Between the deadline shuffle and school-run logistics, the first thing we often do notice is mood, ours, or the comment that we’re “not in a good one.”

Feelings are early-warning sensors; ignore them and they escalate.

Instead of “How can I make them feel better?” ask “What intel is this feeling giving me about my needs?”

Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC) starts with a radical, and relieving, premise: every emotion we experience is the messenger of a met or unmet need.

We are never “too sensitive” or “over-reacting”; we are simply receiving data about what matters most to us.

Loud Emotion	Typical Judgment Story	NVC Translation → Hidden Need
Frustration	“I’m surrounded by incompetence.”	I need support or shared responsibility.
Anger	“They don’t respect me.”	I need to be heard and valued.
Guilt	“I’m failing everyone.”	I need alignment with my own values.
Resentment	“People keep taking advantage of me.”	I need clear boundaries and reciprocity.

The Four Moves of Need-Based Communication

Observe (no blame).“I’ve worked the last three weekends.”
Name the feeling.“I’m exhausted and frustrated.”
Identify the need.“Because I need rest and balance.”
Make a clear request.“Could we redistribute the on-call schedule for the next month?”

When we swap judgment for curiosity, “What need is talking?”, two things shift instantly:

Self-empathy: Instead of shaming your feeling, you validate it as useful data.
Other-empathy: You realize their outburst, delay, or silence is also a signal of their own unmet need.

Dialogue replaces blame.

Transformational Payoff

In Rosenberg’s prison workshops, inmate conflict incidents dropped by 75 % after NVC training.
Corporate teams using need-based check-ins report faster resolution of “people issues” and a measurable uptick in psychological safety.
On a personal level, naming the need behind anger has been shown to lower physiological arousal (heart rate, blood pressure) within minutes, because the brain shifts from limbic threat to prefrontal problem-solving.

So the next time frustration flares, pause and ask: “Which need is waving a flag, and what’s one request I can make, of myself or others, to honor it?”

That single question is the bridge from reacting to creating.

The shift is tiny, life-changing in practice.

Black and white image of a serene beach with a large rock. Clouds scatter above mountains and calm water. Shadows cast on the sand.

The Cost of Compassion Overdrive

Health-care journals coined “compassion fatigue,” but the pattern now shows up everywhere women lead:

Clinicians: Female providers report higher compassion-fatigue scores than male peers, driven by over-identifying with patients.
Corporate teams: Women executives who “delay the hard call” to spare feelings lose credibility and burn out faster, according to LeanIn’s 2024 Women in the Workplace pulse survey.
Entrepreneurs: A Forbes analysis of “mommy-drinking culture” links over-extension of empathy at home with spikes in day-drinking to blunt emotional exhaustion.

Boundary-setting and self-compassion are the only empirically proven buffers between empathy and burnout.

Taking Your Power Back

Think of power not as dominance but

full ownership of your own bandwidth.

Here’s how it works:

Step	What it Sounds Like	Why it Matters
Name the need aloud	“I’m angry because I need someone to hear me for five minutes, no fixes, just ears.”	Naming moves the issue from rumination to problem-solving.
Set a micro-boundary	“Happy to help, tomorrow. Tonight I’m offline.”	Small edges train others (and you) to respect your limits.
Self-empathy script	“Of course you’re spent; you solved three crises before lunch.”	Replaces inner criticism with replenishment.
Expect the price, pay it anyway	Pushback may come; research shows women who self-promote face higher backlash. Budget for it, and remember the long-term ROI: a life that includes you.

Self-Empathy: 10 Research-Backed Ways to Take Your Power Back

Release the Approval Habit. Caroline Myss reminds us that real power begins the moment we stop outsourcing our worth. Experiments on “self‐affirmation” show that when we ground value in our own standards, setbacks feel smaller and performance rebounds faster.
Pause and Name What Hurts A quick feelings label (“I feel defeated”) quiets the amygdala and re-engages the prefrontal cortex, exactly what Kristin Neff’s self-compassion studies document.
Translate Feelings into Needs Borrowing from Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication, ask: “If this feeling could speak, what need is it flagging?” Anger → respect; guilt → alignment with values.
Say What You Mean, Clearly. Direct, need-based language (“I need two uninterrupted hours to finish this”) beats hinting or hoping every time. Clarity both prevents drama and models healthy boundaries for others.
Don’t Carry Other People’s Drama Neuroscience shows that emotional contagion drains executive function. Notice what’s yours and mentally hand back what isn’t: “I hear your frustration; here’s what I can and can’t do” or "I hear your frustration; what do you intend to do about it?"
Stop Proving, Explaining, or Justifying Research on the “assertiveness penalty” finds women lose influence when they over-explain. A concise boundary, “I’m not available for that”, is enough. You owe detailed reasons only to the core people you trust.
Set One Micro-Boundary a Day Assertiveness ≠ aggression; it’s clear self-stewardship. Start small: “I’ll reply after lunch.”
Log Daily Wins to Rebuild Self-Efficacy A two-minute wins journal nudges the brain’s reward circuitry and counters negativity bias.
Create a 3-Minute Reset Ritual“Soothing-rhythm breathing” (inhale 4 s, exhale 6 s) lowers heart rate and cortisol in minutes.
Recruit a Resonant Support CircleSharing goals with even one non-judgmental ally doubles follow-through rates and halves stress symptoms. Choose coaches, peers, or mentors who reflect your needs back to you, without judgment or agenda.

Ready for Backup?

If your empathy reflex is draining the very energy you need to lead, I can help you with taking your power back; we can pinpoint the leaks and build a personalised plan to plug them, at work, at home, and in your own self-talk.

Book a complimentary discovery call or email monika@goodone.ca and start reclaiming the power you’ve been giving away.

Empathy is a gift, but only when it flows in both directions.

Begin with yourself, and watch everything change.

Hi, I’m Monika, Strengths Coach and facilitator. I help individuals and groups cultivate resilience, emotional intelligence, and well-being through strengths-based coaching. Passionate about transformative and creative leadership, I empower leaders to drive meaningful change within themselves, their organizations, and beyond.