From Perfectionism to Presence: Reclaiming Your Enough-ness

Is there a difference between healthy striving and perfectionism? Absolutely. One is rooted in growth. The other, in fear.

As Anne Lamott puts it,

perfectionism “leaves us pretzelized.”

It distorts us. Exhausts us. And most of all, it keeps us from starting, or finishing, what really matters.

It may also leave us used, omitted, and abandoned, by others, yes, but mostly by ourselves.

By others, because who wants to live in constant comparison to something that’s not real, not reachable? Perfectionism creates a gap. One that pushes people away.

You’re either always right, or you have friends. No wonder that saying exists.

There’s a loneliness to being put on a pedestal, or putting yourself on one. It’s hard to be friends with a wax figure.

When we show no cracks, no doubts, no vulnerability, we become untouchable. Not because others don’t care, but because they don’t know how to reach us. And deep down, we may not want to be reached, because that would mean being seen in our messiness.

Our humanness.

But the truth is, that unreachable version of ourselves? It’s not who we really are. And trying to maintain it costs us connection, intimacy, and the relief of simply being real.

We silence the parts of us that feel too tender. We become masters at appearing “fine.” We overwork. We isolate. And for those of us who care deeply, we tell ourselves it’s just how we are. Driven. Dedicated. Strong.

But inside, we may be obeying an inner critic who never lets up. One who believes that vulnerability is weakness. One who whispers that mistakes mean failure, and that failure means we’re not enough.

So we escape. Into work. Into busyness. Into numbing.

But the antidote to perfectionism isn’t pushing harder. It’s presence.

And, hardest of all, it’s vulnerability.

And let me say this clearly, by no means do I believe being fully present is easy. In fact, I believe that being truly honest with ourselves, where everything begins, is perhaps the hardest thing we do in our lives.

To muster the belief that we are somehow enough, even when we feel completely disconnected…To stay with ourselves through the isolation, the shame, the moments of quiet despair that steal our breath. That takes more courage than any performance ever could.

But I also believe that it’s possible. That the moment we stop striving to be perfect and start staying present with what’s real, we begin to come home to ourselves.

The Courage to Meet Your Inner Critic with Compassion

We are not helpless in the face of the inner critic. We can work with it, gently, bravely, and consistently.

Here’s how:

1. Name the Voice

Notice when the inner critic shows up. Does it sound like a parent, teacher, or someone from your past? Give it a name. This helps create distance between you and the voice. You are not the critic, you are the one hearing it.

2. Ask: What is it Protecting?

The inner critic often emerges from a protective instinct. It’s not trying to ruin your life, it’s trying to keep you safe. Safe from shame, embarrassment, failure, or rejection.

So instead of silencing it or fighting it, try asking gently:

What are you trying to protect me from right now?

This simple question shifts you from judgment to curiosity. And sometimes, what you’ll discover is surprising.

You might find that your inner critic believes you’re much younger than you are. It may still be trying to protect the 8-year-old you from being laughed at in class, or the teenager who felt invisible, or the early-career version of you who was afraid of not being taken seriously.

That’s why it works so hard. It’s caught in an old loop.

When that happens, you can lovingly inform your critic:“Thank you. I’m not that age anymore. I’ve grown. I can handle this now.”

That moment, when you speak to yourself with compassion and clarity, is where transformation begins.

3. Practice Empathy

Brené Brown reminds us:

“Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.”

“If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”

Shame thrives in the dark. It feeds on your silence. It grows stronger the longer it goes unnamed.

When shame is present, the first step is to acknowledge it. Talk to a trusted friend or coach. Speak to yourself as you would to a beloved friend.

But if you’re anything like me, you might not even realize you’re being overtaken by shame. It’s subtle and fluid. It doesn’t always shout, it seeps in. It shows up as irritation, exhaustion, the urge to withdraw, or a sudden need to prove yourself.

That’s why Point #1 Noticing and Naming, is so essential. You can’t meet shame with empathy if you don’t realize it’s there.

So start by asking: What am I actually feeling right now? Is it sadness? Embarrassment? A deep sense of “not enough”? Is my reaction out of proportion to what just happened?

These questions are invitations, to slow down, get curious, and gently name what’s true.

Because once shame is seen, it starts to lose its grip. And when it's met with empathy, real, grounded, self-directed empathy, it can't survive.

4. Reclaim Your Humanity

Perfectionism demands superhuman performance. It tells us there’s no room for error, no space for rest, and certainly no tolerance for vulnerability. But real leadership, real courage, requires being human. Before we are parents, leaders, friends - we are humans.

Messy. In-progress. Whole. Changing everyday. Just like everyone else.

The leaders who move us aren’t the ones who never falter. They’re the ones who are willing to be seen as they truly are, uncertain at times, learning in real time, and still showing up with heart.

As Neill N. Allen writes in Tame Your Inner Critic, “the goal is not to eliminate the voice, but to turn down its volume and build up the voice of wisdom, of truth, of enough-ness.”

We don't need to silence the critic entirely. We need to strengthen the other voices inside us, the ones rooted in compassion, groundedness, and inner knowing.

The voice that says: You are enough, even here. Especially here.

Because when we lead from that place, not from perfection, but from presence, we create space for others to be whole, too.

Vulnerability is a Bridge, Not a Weakness

There’s something precious in being seen in our struggle. Yes, it’s tender. Yes, it’s scary.But it’s also where connection lives.

Vulnerability doesn’t mean oversharing. It doesn’t mean personal disclosure 24 hours a day, to your boss, your neighbour, or the driver of your Uber.

It means choosing to show up honestly, especially with yourself.

That part is so important.

Before the outer world can meet us in our truth, we have to meet ourselves there first. It’s the quiet honesty of asking:

What’s really going on for me right now?

And staying with the answer, even if it’s messy.

Sometimes that honesty begins in a journal. Or a whispered voice memo on your phone. Or in words you write and later burn.

That is more than okay.

It’s not about who sees it. It’s about you being willing to see it, and not turn away.

Vulnerability should always be by invitation.

You get to protect your journey. You get to choose when, where, and with whom you share it, whether that’s one trusted friend, a circle, or no one at all. The number doesn’t matter. The honesty does.

And as you begin to show up for yourself in this way, something shifts. Sometimes, the environment mirrors it back to you. You begin to notice more truth, more care, more depth in the spaces around you.

And from that place, we don’t have to strive to be perfect. We get to be real.

And real is where freedom begins.

Gentle Invitation

If perfectionism has been whispering in your ear lately, let's connect. I support leaders and change makers in navigating the path from self-judgment to self-trust, from being reactive to being creative.

Let’s explore what might be possible when you stop striving for perfection and expand listening inward.

Book a free consultation or subscribe for reflections like this, straight to your inbox.

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Hi, I’m Monika, Strengths Coach and facilitator. I help individuals and groups cultivate resilience, emotional intelligence, and well-being through strengths-based coaching. Passionate about transformative and creative leadership, I empower leaders to drive meaningful change within themselves, their organizations, and beyond.

I hope you’ll visit often, and I look forward to connecting and working together!