What if setting boundaries in a clear and compassionate way was not only possible but also empowering?
Imagine feeling confident, prepared, and equipped to navigate tough conversations with ease. Setting boundaries is often described as one of the most challenging aspects of personal growth. It’s a skill that many of us struggle with, yet it is vital for maintaining mental health and nurturing meaningful, respectful relationships.
When communicated clearly and consistently, boundaries help us feel heard, valued, and respected. They define how we expect to be treated and allow us to invest our time and energy into relationships that support our well-being.
Why is Setting Boundaries So Difficult?
As with any vital skill, challenges arise when trying to set and maintain boundaries. Childhood experiences, cultural influences, social conditioning, and fear of rejection all contribute to this difficulty.
One of the most common barriers, however, is people-pleasing, the tendency to prioritize others’ happiness at the expense of our own needs.
This blog explores how people-pleasing can prevent healthy boundary-setting and offers two actionable strategies to strengthen your ability to set and maintain boundaries effectively.
The People-Pleasing Struggle: How It Affects Boundary-Setting
If you struggle with people-pleasing, you’re not alone. Many individuals, especially women, are socially conditioned to prioritize others' needs over their own. This is particularly true in relationships where there is a fear of conflict, rejection, or being perceived as difficult.
A common response to boundary violations is anger. When someone crosses a line, anger signals that a boundary is being tested or disrespected. However, instead of addressing the situation directly, many people instinctively suppress or redirect their anger, blaming themselves rather than confronting the issue.
This pattern reinforces people-pleasing tendencies. Avoiding confrontation in an effort to maintain harmony can lead to emotional exhaustion, resentment, and even a loss of self-respect over time.
The Likeability Penalty: Why Women Face Greater Challenges
Research highlights a significant societal bias: 66% of women receive negative feedback on their personal style in performance reviews, compared to just 1% of men.
Men are often expected to be assertive and confident, making their leadership more readily accepted. Women, on the other hand, are expected to be nurturing and collaborative.
When they assert themselves, they often face pushback from both men and women.
This "likeability penalty" discourages women from setting boundaries, as they may fear being labeled as "aggressive" or "difficult." However, asserting boundaries is essential for personal well-being and professional success.
Breaking Free: Two Key Strategies
1. Listen to Your Anger, It’s an Ally, Not an Enemy
Anger is a natural and valuable emotional response that signals a boundary violation. Rather than dismissing or suppressing it, try leaning into it.
It's not the same as acting on anger, I'm inviting you to reflect instead.
Pause and check in with your body. Where do you feel the anger? Is it a tightness in your neck? A knot in your stomach?
Identify the trigger. Was it an unrealistic demand on your time? A dismissive comment? A violation of personal space?
Acknowledge your needs. If you feel overwhelmed by additional work, your anger may be signaling a need to protect your time and energy. If someone repeatedly interrupts you, it may be highlighting a need for respect in conversations.
Recognizing anger as a signal rather than a problem helps you move toward setting a boundary rather than internalizing frustration.
2. Use "Name-It-to-Tame-It" to Clarify Your Boundary
Once you've acknowledged your anger, the next step is to process and articulate the boundary you need to set. Daniel Siegel’s "name-it-to-tame-it" approach suggests that labeling emotions helps regulate them.
Reflect on the situation. What specific behavior triggered your anger?
Ask yourself key questions:
Was my need disrespected, ignored, or dismissed?
Was my role diminished?
Did I feel unseen or unheard?
Gain clarity. Once you can pinpoint the boundary that was violated, you’ll feel more confident addressing it directly.
Naming your emotions and boundaries engages the rational part of your brain, helping you step out of emotional reactivity and into intentional action.
Communicating Your Boundaries with Courage and Clarity
Once you've processed your emotions and identified the necessary boundary, the next step is having the conversation. Setting boundaries requires courage, especially when you fear how others might react. But clarity is kindness, being direct about your needs shows respect for yourself and others.
Here are some simple ways to start a boundary-setting conversation:
"I want to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me…"
"I need to let you know that I’m not comfortable with…"
"I feel overwhelmed when… and I need to set a limit around…"
These conversations may feel difficult at first, but with practice, they become easier. Honoring your needs fosters relationships built on respect and trust.
Strengthening Your Boundary-Setting Skills
Setting boundaries isn’t about building walls, it’s about creating healthy bridges that allow you to maintain relationships without losing yourself.
"Boundaries are not walls. They are bridges that allow you to love others without losing yourself." – Unknown
One way to reinforce your boundaries is to set them in advance whenever possible.
For example:
If you need to protect your work-life balance, inform your boss of your working hours ahead of time.
If you can only stay at an event for a limited time, let the host know before you arrive.
Final Thoughts
Boundary-setting is a skill that can be developed and strengthened over time. It requires self-awareness, emotional regulation, and the willingness to communicate your needs clearly.
Here is a valuable resource from Positive Psychology to support reflection, identify your needs, and initiate meaningful conversations:
As a Leadership Coach rooted in positive psychology, I help clients build confidence in setting and maintaining boundaries while leveraging their natural strengths.
If you’re ready to explore this further, I’d love to connect for a discovery call to share insights and available programs.
Remember: You have the right to set boundaries. Doing so isn’t selfish, t’s self-care.
Literature and Poetry on Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries in relationships is such an important part of maintaining emotional well-being, and literature and poetry can definitely offer some inspiring examples. Here are a few ideas:
“Milk and Honey” by Rupi Kaur
Kaur’s poetry is all about self-love, healing, and setting boundaries, particularly in the context of toxic relationships. In her work, she often addresses reclaiming your power, asserting your needs, and learning to say no when something doesn’t serve you.
For instance, she writes in Milk and Honey: “
I want to apologize to all the women | I have called pretty | before I've called them intelligent or brave | I'm sorry I made it sound as though | something as simple as what you're born with | is the most you have to be proud of | when you have broken mountains with your wit | from now on I will say things like | you are resilient or you are extraordinary | not because I don't think you're pretty | but because you are so much more than that.”
It’s a subtle but powerful reminder of how boundaries, emotional, physical, and intellectual, are often connected to self-empowerment and self-acceptance.
"The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran
Gibran’s collection of poetic essays contains the famous chapter on "On Marriage," which touches on the importance of individuality within relationships. He writes,
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”
This is a beautiful metaphor for maintaining boundaries, encouraging connection without losing one's sense of self. It’s a reminder that being together doesn’t mean losing your personal autonomy.
“The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz
This spiritual guidebook offers simple but profound wisdom for creating healthy boundaries in life. It’s especially useful when it comes to boundary-setting with others. The four agreements: Be impeccable with your word, Don't take anything personally, Don't make assumptions, and Always do your best, are all about respecting yourself and others in your relationships. While not a traditional narrative, these principles can serve as a framework for cultivating healthy boundaries in both personal and professional contexts.
"Women Who Run With the Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
While more psychological and mythological than poetry, Estés’ exploration of the wild woman archetype encourages women to reclaim their power, set healthy boundaries, and embrace their authentic selves. It speaks to the deep need for women to protect their inner world from outside influences and negative energy. There’s something incredibly powerful about reading her work if you’re exploring the balance of self-love and boundary-setting.
Further resources:
For parents: Often when we get angry at our children, it’s because we haven’t set a limit, and something is grating on us. Here is a great article on how manage you anger as a parent and how boundary setting is way more effecting that disciplining.
‘Setting limits won’t disrupt a healthy relationship’ says the author of this book, Nedra Glover Tawwab, a psychotherapist. (Tawwab, 2021, p. 130).
This book prioritizes the self-care we need to look after ourselves and others. The author uses real-life case histories from her therapeutic practice to illustrate a range of problems caused by poor boundaries.
In each chapter, she offers exercises to help readers identify communication skills deficits that lead to poor boundaries and provides helpful tips on how to set and maintain boundaries. By setting boundaries in relationships, we also discover which relationships are healthy and which are not.
However, boundaries are not walls. Tawwab says that behavior that erects walls, such as cutting people off without giving them a right to reply, (sometimes called ghosting) or prolonged silent treatment, is not about setting healthy boundaries, it is emotionally abusive.
Hi, I’m Monika, Strengths Coach, facilitator, social-profit organization leader, and photographer. I’m here to help you own your vision for meaningful growth and transformation, uncover your unique leadership strengths, and empower you and your team to thrive and create lasting impact. Passionate about driving change within, around, and beyond, I love supporting fellow change-makers on their journeys.
I hope you’ll visit often, and I look forward to connecting and working together!
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