From Debate to Dialogue: How Leaders Can Reduce Defensiveness

A few days ago, driving my son home from basketball practice, I decided to share something I’d been reflecting on from Joseph Nguyen’s book Don’t Believe Everything You Think.

Nguyen makes a subtle but powerful distinction between thought and thinking:

• Thoughts are neutral, sometimes even creative sparks.

• Thinking is the endless mental churn that often causes our suffering.

I barely got the words out before my 13-year-old son interrupted.“They’re the same,” he said flatly. I asked him to keep an open mind, to just consider the possibility of difference. I gave him some examples.

He leaned in harder: “I’m having a debate. What’s wrong with disagreeing with you?”

And there I was, sulking, then simmering with anger. What started as an attempt to share something meaningful turned into a miniature battlefield. My intention had been dialogue, but it instantly became debate.

That car ride revealed something important: dialogue requires clarity of intention. Am I speaking to connect, or to be right?

Defensiveness often arises when intentions are unclear, when one side aims to explore and learn while the other aims to win.

A Live Experiment in Nuance

That conversation was a live experiment in the very distinction I was trying to explain. My intention, if I’m honest, was layered. On the surface, I wanted to connect. Beneath that, I wanted to teach a little, to pass on something useful.

And if I dig even deeper, there was a wish for respect, maybe even admiration: Look, here’s something wise I’ve learned that I’d like you to value, and maybe value me a little more for bringing it to you.

His intention, meanwhile, was different. His need was to be right. And being right, especially at thirteen, means being important, valued, appreciated, perhaps even treated more like a partner than a child. He was testing independence, resisting authority, and reveling in the energy of debate.

So there we were: my need for dialogue, his need for debate. My yearning to be heard, his determination not to be parented. Add in the developmental stage he’s in, wired for individuation, allergic to lectures, quick to roll his eyes at any mention of hormones, and you have the perfect recipe for collision.

But beneath the sparring was a universal leadership question: how do we marry the need to be right with the need to connect? How do we practice dialogue in a world wired for debate?

If Only Curiosity Was Available

The dynamic with my son mirrors what happens in many workplaces. You bring a new idea to the table, a different way of framing a challenge, a concept you’ve just learned, and before you finish, someone is already shaking their head, lining up their counterpoint. Instant opposition.

If only curiosity was available.

Curiosity is the opposite of defensiveness. It asks: What might be true here? What can I learn? What don’t I see yet? Defensiveness doubles down on what’s already known. It aims to protect ego, status, or certainty.

So how do we, as leaders, invite curiosity and manage defensiveness? It starts with our own stance. If we meet resistance with more resistance, the tug-of-war only tightens.

But if we model curiosity, if we stay open when others are primed to close, we create a different kind of energy.

The art of staying curious when others are resisting can look like:

• Naming your intention. “I’m not here to win an argument, I’m here to explore.”

• Asking instead of telling. “What do you see that I might be missing?”

• Separating identity from ideas. Critique the idea, not the person.

• Leaning into humility. “I don’t have the full picture. Help me understand more.”

  
  

So is this how leaders can reduce defensiveness? Curiosity doesn’t guarantee agreement, but it makes space for learning. It shifts the ground from Who’s right? to What can we discover together?

How Leaders Can Reduce Defensiveness

In the car, my son insisted he was “having a debate.” What I longed for was dialogue, openness, exploration, the chance to build on each other’s ideas.

That distinction matters in leadership, too: are we debating to win, or dialoguing to learn?

• Debate sharpens arguments but often breeds defensiveness. Someone has to win, which means someone has to lose.

• Dialogue grows trust. It makes space for nuance, for curiosity, for shared understanding

  
  

Creative leadership is often the art of transforming debate into dialogue:

• Clarify the frame. “This isn’t about winning an argument; it’s about understanding a problem.”

• Invite contributions. Ask not only what do you think? but what shaped your thinking?

• Model openness. Show you’re willing to be influenced.

• Empower others. Shift from defending positions to building ideas together.

  
  

Debate sharpens minds. Dialogue strengthens relationships. Both have their place, but only dialogue creates the trust that allows collaboration to flourish.

Where Defensiveness Comes From

Teenagers. Developmental psychology shows that defensiveness is part of individuation, the push to separate from parents, assert identity, and rehearse autonomy. The adolescent brain is wired to challenge authority, to test boundaries, to say, “I disagree, and here’s why.” What looks like stubbornness is often a rehearsal for becoming one’s own person.

Workplace. In adults, defensiveness usually stems from fear: fear of being judged, losing face, being excluded, or punished. Underneath, the message is: “I don’t feel safe.”

Research on psychological safety (Amy Edmondson, Harvard) shows that teams perform best when people can voice doubts, share half-formed ideas, and admit mistakes without fear of humiliation. When fear dominates, innovation stalls and energy drains into self-protection.

The Emotional Hijack

In the car, I noticed myself sulking, then getting angry. That moment was a gift. It showed me how easily defensiveness sparks defensiveness, how quickly reactivity spreads.

As leaders, our job is to notice that hijack. To pause before we lash out. To breathe instead of react.

Psychologists call this emotional self-awareness, and Daniel Goleman identifies it as the cornerstone of emotional intelligence.

Without it, we can’t regulate ourselves or create safety for others. With it, we can turn moments of tension into opportunities for connection.

Your calm is contagious. So is your anxiety. When you stay present, calm, and grounded, you model the very safety that reduces defensiveness.

What My Teenager Taught Me About Leadership and Letting Go

My son challenges me more fiercely than any colleague or client might. Teenagers are uniquely talented at mirroring our triggers, forcing us into humility, and showing us where our authority ends and our influence begins.

That is the deeper lesson: true leadership isn’t about commanding agreement. It’s about letting go of the illusion of control, noticing our own reactivity, and choosing influence over authority.

In the car with my son, debate was inevitable. It’s his developmental stage. In the workplace, though, leaders don’t have the luxury of saying “that’s just how it is.” They have the responsibility to steer conversations toward dialogue.

Debate sharpens ideas. Dialogue deepens trust. Leadership is the discernment to know when to let the debate play, when to invite dialogue, and how to be intentional about the difference.

Practical Coaching Prompts

Take a few minutes to reflect:

• Think of a recent conversation where defensiveness showed up. What was your intention going in?

• What clarity could you bring next time, for yourself and for others?

• Where can you practice shifting from debate to dialogue this week?

  
  

If you’d like support in practicing these shifts, noticing your own emotional hijacks, learning how to transform debate into dialogue, and building the kind of trust that reduces defensiveness, reach out to me.

This is the work I do with leaders and teams: creating space for curiosity, clarity, and authentic influence.

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Hi, I’m Monika, Strengths Coach and facilitator. I help individuals and groups cultivate resilience, emotional intelligence, and well-being through strengths-based coaching. Passionate about transformative and creative leadership, I empower leaders to drive meaningful change within themselves, their organizations, and beyond.

I hope you’ll visit often, and I look forward to connecting and working together!