In my work as a coach, I encounter the possibilities hidden beneath the surface of conflict every day. Often, this is how a journey with a new client begins: “I have a situation I need help to deal with.” These situations can feel daunting, yet they hold the potential to become transformative catalysts for growth. The skills cultivated in navigating conflict often ripple outward, impacting not just the immediate challenge but all relationships in a client’s life.
Recently, a client reflected on her growth:
"At the beginning of our time together, you supported me through having a very tough conversation with one of my co-workers. That conversation was a turning point for me, my co-worker, and my team as a whole. We have grown so much since then. My team regularly comments on how much they love the changes, the work environment, and how I am leading our organization. I learned so much through that specific situation, and those lessons have translated into many parts of my professional and personal life."
I admire my client deeply for making the courageous choice to pause rather than react. She chose to stop and reflect, recognizing the potential risks of mishandling a delicate situation. Her team was tightly-knit, purpose-driven, and dedicated - a dynamic that made the stakes even higher. Yet by choosing to address the conflict with care, she not only preserved relationships but strengthened them.
The Power of Choice in Conflict
William Ury, anthropologist and author, captures this beautifully in his book "Possible". He describes how, in the history of human conflict, many of warriors, presidents, heads of states are surprised to realize that they all have a choice. We all have a choice. We can pause, let anger cool, and decide how to respond. This simple yet revolutionary realization reminds us of our agency.
We can choose to stop, and stop to choose.
Whether facing a global conflict or a family disagreement, the underlying patterns are often the same: reaction begets reaction in an endless loop.
"Why did you attack him?"
"Because he attacked me!"
When we react without thinking, our own biology can work against us. The amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, hijacks our rational thinking. Our heart rate quickens, blood pressure rises, and cortisol floods our system. This fight-flight-freeze response primes us for survival, not thoughtful interaction. Often, the biggest obstacle to achieving what we truly want is not the person on the other side of the table but the one on our side. When we react without reflection, we become our own worst enemy.
The "Balcony" Perspective
To transform conflict, we must find a way to step back and gain perspective, to get to the "balcony," as Ury describes it. No matter the provocation, we are responsible for our own reactions. This responsibility is not a burden but an opportunity to reclaim control over our relationships and our lives.
How to Choose to Stop
1. Bring Awareness to Conflict. Recognize the value of conflict transformation as a skill. Commit to reflecting on and practicing it.
2. Start Small. Practice navigating differences in low-risk situations to build confidence and competence.
3. Seek Support. Working with a coach can provide the guidance and tools needed to develop your conflict transformation skills.
4. Be Kind to Yourself. Growth takes time. Celebrate progress and acknowledge setbacks as part of the journey.
Why It Matters
As my photography teacher used to say, "Everything is relationships." The better we become at navigating the differences between us, the richer and more fulfilling our lives can be. By transforming conflict, we not only strengthen our connections but also enhance the quality of our own lives.
Hi, I’m Monika, Strengths Coach, facilitator, social-profit organization leader, and photographer. I’m here to help you own your vision for meaningful growth and transformation, uncover your unique leadership strengths, and empower you and your team to thrive and create lasting impact. Passionate about driving change within, around, and beyond, I love supporting fellow change-makers on their journeys.
I hope you’ll visit often, and I look forward to connecting and working together!
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