Holding the Opposites: When Harmony Meets Conflict

kawkapc
Oct 24
4 min read

Some of us are wired for harmony. Wait, all of us are. From an evolutionary standpoint, our brains are wired for connection and for minimizing social threat. Harmony can be external, when the people and systems around us are in sync, or internal, when our thoughts, values, and actions feel aligned. Both create serenity and flow.

But harmony left unchecked can slip into avoidance.

Not because we’re weak, but because as humans we associate tension with danger. Our nervous systems send a “move away” signal when disagreement arises, even when that conflict could lead to clarity and progress.

Research from Gallup and the Center for Creative Leadership shows that leaders who balance empathy with candor build stronger trust, higher innovation, and healthier long-term cultures.

The skill is not in avoiding friction, but in orchestrating it, what recent articles call productive harmony or constructive tension.

Harmony vs. Conflict Isn’t a Problem to Solve, It’s a Polarity to Hold

Psychologist Barry Johnson’s Polarity Management model describes these dynamics as pairs of interdependent values.

Harmony and conflict aren’t opposites, they’re mutually supportive forces.

Leaders who learn to hold both are better equipped for sustainable performance, psychological safety, and innovation.

Harmony (upsides): psychological safety, trust, collaboration.

Harmony (overuse): groupthink, unspoken resentment, comfort over courage.

Conflict (upsides): clarity, innovation, improved decisions, resilience.

Conflict (overuse): defensiveness, burnout, relational ruptures.

Recent research in Harvard Business Review and Forbes Business Council echoes this polarity model. Teams that embrace “productive friction” outperform those that default to politeness or perpetual alignment.

The reason: friction surfaces hidden assumptions, catalyzes creativity, and deepens collective intelligence.

Leadership Maturity and Emotional Labor

Leadership maturity is the ability to feel the pull of your preference, perhaps toward harmony or toward control, and still consciously engage the other pole when the moment demands it.

That capacity is the hallmark of emotionally intelligent leadership.

Recent Frontiers in Psychology findings demonstrate that mature leaders develop greater tolerance for ambiguity and emotional tension, enabling them to transform conflict into dialogue, not dysfunction.

The famous F. Scott Fitzgerald insight comes alive here: the test of first-rate intelligence, and of great leadership, is to hold two opposing ideas and still function.

“But Conflict Drains Me, Can I Learn This?”

Absolutely. When harmony is your strength, you can learn conflict transformation by shifting your aim from winning to revealing, learning, and deciding.

Neuroscience research shows that just 90 seconds of mindful self-regulation lowers the amygdala’s threat response and allows access to curiosity and problem-solving networks.

Your instinct to avoid conflict is biological. Yet with self-awareness and practice, you can re-train your body to stay present, breathe, and engage difference safely and skillfully.

Over-Responsibility and Emotional Boundaries

Many leaders silently carry the myth that “I’m responsible for everyone’s emotional state.”

This well-intentioned over-responsibility often originates from early social conditioning in caregiving or helper roles. Yet studies on leadership burnout reveal that blurred emotional boundaries can lead to exhaustion and diminished authenticity.

According to recent HBR and CliftonStrengths research, emotionally sustainable leaders take responsibility for their actions and integrity, but not for managing the inner worlds of others.

It's another examlpe of holding the opposites. It's possible to model compassion and self-differentiation, which nurtures both care and accountability.

Five Moves for Leaders Who Value Harmony (and Need Honest Debate)

Name the polarity out loud. “We want both harmony and healthy debate. Overdo harmony, we miss risks; overdo heat, we lose trust.”
Map it with your team. Identify benefits and early warnings for each side; agree on reset rituals.
Use both/and questions. “What’s the strongest argument against our plan?” “How do we keep trust and surface risks?”
Adopt low-heat conflict rituals. Practice steelmaning before responding. Rotate a Red Team role to test assumptions.
Script the first sentence. “I value our relationship and want to speak candidly about X.”

These practices echo HBR’s negotiation research showing that successful leaders pair empathy with assertiveness, integrity and connection, not one at the expense of the other.

Holding the Opposites Beyond the Workplace

We all carry inner polarities: calm and frustration, belonging and longing. Every transition, emigrating, creating, leading, asks us to hold both missing and becoming.

As leadership coach Toye Sobande describes it, “Harmony of conflict” is the art of turning friction into forward motion.

Certainty can be seductive, but clinging to small certainties keeps teams stagnant. Creative leadership replaces certainty with curiosity, with the courage to stay in tension long enough for a larger truth to appear.

Or as attributed to Niels Bohr: “The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.”

Harmony, it turns out, is not the absence of conflict.

It’s what emerges when we engage conflict well, when we tell the truth, stay connected, and keep creating together.

Invitation

If this message resonates, let’s talk.

As a Gallup-Certified Strengths Coach, I’ve helped hundreds of leaders transform conflict into creative dialogue and navigate the tough, but vital conversations that move teams (and relationships) forward.

If you’re ready to deepen your team’s courage, clarity, and connection, or sustain the impressive performance momentum you’ve already built, reach out to explore partnership coaching.

Book a quick session or email to start the conversation.

Hi, I’m Monika, Strengths Coach and facilitator. I help individuals and groups cultivate resilience, emotional intelligence, and well-being through strengths-based coaching. Passionate about transformative and creative leadership, I empower leaders to drive meaningful change within themselves, their organizations, and beyond.