Tough Conversations: Leading From Your Adult Self

Today, the conversation in front of me felt particularly difficult because of the CliftonStrengths dynamics at play. It was, in essence, a dialogue between Harmony and Maximizer, Context and Futuristic.

• Maximizer wanted to bring the big picture, long-term benefits, holistic improvement

• Harmony longed for peace, stability, and “the way we’ve always done things” over the past five years

• Futuristic needed the other person to stretch, shift, and acknowledge that the world has changed, and so has their own knowledge and expertise

• Context wanted the wisdom of the past to be honored and continued

  
  

That perceived clash of strengths made the conversation necessary but also emotionally tense.

Why Conversations Feel So Tough

As leaders, we all face tough conversations. You might call them challenging, courageous, or creative. Personally, there are days I just call them “a pain in the neck”, quite literally, because my shoulders tense up a day before.

And yet… while these conversations sometimes feel like a dense knot, I’ve also learned to anticipate them with a kind of adventurous spirit and eagerness.

After years of practice, yes, sometimes painful (that seems unavoidable), I know they can hold enormous potential. These conversations can open doors, shift dynamics, and spark change.

They feel courageous, a little wild, and very often surprisingly creative.

The Psychology Behind the Fear

In Transactional Analysis (Eric Berne), we each move between three “ego states”:

• Parent: the voice of rules, authority, and “shoulds”

• Adult: the calm, rational, here-and-now problem solver

• Child: the emotional, instinctive part of us that remembers even our earliest fears and patterns

  
  

The goal in difficult conversations is to lead from the Adult state. But when a situation echoes past experiences of conflict, exclusion, or rejection, the Child state can take over, and that’s when fear, defensiveness, or avoidance kick in. On both sides.

The paradox is this: the very place where fear shows up is also where growth lies.

Every avoided conversation holds the potential to unlock trust, clarity, and even creativity.

My Recent Example

Last night, before a conversation with a staff member, I felt the tension in my neck and shoulders. When I checked in with myself, I found my inner child, scared, small, and convinced that speaking up would mean being attacked or excluded.

That fear wasn’t random. I had been in situations before where I didn’t protect myself, didn't set right boundaries and where my perspective was harshly silenced, and where I wished I had spoken differently and sooner.

So I reassured her:

• This situation is different

• I’m in a team that trusts me

• I have allies and support

• I have tools and strategies now to set boundaries with confidence

  
  

By doing this, I shifted back into my Adult state, grounded, rational, and ready to engage constructively.

The Power of the “Undiscussables”

This is also where undiscussables come in, those important but avoided topics that quietly shape work cultures we are immersed it. In my earlier article, The Courage to Name the Undiscussables, I explored how surfacing these hidden truths can transform relationships and results.

If, as David Whyte says, “the conversation is the relationship,” then tough conversations are not just about the work, they are the work.

Addressing the undiscussables is part of building trust, alignment, and shared accountability.

Avoid them, and the relationship drifts; name them, and the relationship roots itself more deeply.

And you, as a leader, will feel the release of carrying less weight.

Lessons for Leaders

Before your next tough conversation, ask yourself:

1. Check your state: Are you in Parent, Adult, or Child mode?

2. Soothe your triggers: If your Child is activated, acknowledge and reassure it.

3. Lead from your Adult: Stay present, calm, and focused on the facts and their impact.

4. Name the undiscussables: Bring forward what’s unspoken but critical to the team’s health. Lead by shedding light on blind spots.

5. Set the tone: Create psychological safety so the conversation becomes an exchange, not a battle.

   
   

Tough conversations aren’t predators; they’re catalysts.

Approach them with calm bravery and steadiness, and you’ll find they sharpen not only your clarity, but your creative leadership.

If you’re ready to navigate tough conversations with more confidence and less stress, I’d love to help.

Book a call with me and let’s explore how we can strengthen your leadership presence and impact, one conversation at a time.

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Hi, I’m Monika, Strengths Coach and facilitator. I help individuals and groups cultivate resilience, emotional intelligence, and well-being through strengths-based coaching. Passionate about transformative and creative leadership, I empower leaders to drive meaningful change within themselves, their organizations, and beyond.

I hope you’ll visit often, and I look forward to connecting and working together!