How to Get Inside the Cactus?

A creative leadership lesson from parenting a teen, and managing adults

Teen boys are a masterclass in paradox.

Developmentally, they’re wired to push for autonomy: “I need space. Please go now.”And at the same time, secure attachment (feeling safe, seen, understood) remains a protective buffer for mental health and risk-taking. So you also get: “Nobody gets me. You don’t get me.”

It’s a seemingly impossible dynamic:

“Don’t come closer… and don’t you dare leave me”

I started calling it: How to get inside the cactus

Because that’s what it feels like, trying to be near something prickly without bleeding out on the living-room floor.

And here’s the twist: this is not just a parenting problem. It’s a workplace challenge too, especially now.

The workplace cactus: autonomy + care, at the same time

Most adults at work carry a similar push-pull (possibly just with better vocabulary and fewer eye-rolls, possibly):

• “I don’t want you in my space. Trust me. Give me autonomy”

• “If you stay out, I’ll decide you don’t care… or you don’t see me… or you’re not invested”

  
  

This is why “micromanagement” and “absence” can feel strangely similar: both can signal low trust.

So the leadership question becomes:

How do you stay close enough to be felt as supportive, without stepping on autonomy?

Gallup has a practical answer (to How to Get Inside question):

make leadership predictable through a small set of consistent coaching conversations, so your people stop guessing what you mean

Not more “checking in.” Not more meetings. Just the right conversations, at the right cadence.

Gallup’s 5 coaching conversations = a cactus-friendly leadership system

Gallup describes five coaching conversations that help managers establish expectations, coach effectively, and create accountability:

1. Role & Relationship Orientation

2. Quick Connect

3. Check-In

4. Developmental Coaching

5. Progress Review

   
   

Here’s how I translate that into cactus language, for teens and teams:

1) Role & Relationship Orientation

Message: “Here’s how we work together. Here’s what matters. Here’s how I’ll support you”

With teens: “Limited screen time is needed. And I’m on your side even when you hate my face.”

With employees: “Success looks like X. Autonomy looks like Y. Let’s agree on how we’ll communicate when things get complicated or messy.”

2) Quick Connect

Message: “I see you. I’m here. No agenda”

This one is short and relational, because connection doesn’t require a 60-minute meeting.

With teens: drive-by (2-3 seconds!) warmth (one sentence, try to steel a hug, be goofy, no lecture)

With employees: “Anything you need from me this week?” or “How’s your energy?”

3) The Check-In

Message: “Let’s look at the work, what’s working, what’s stuck, what support do you need?”

This protects autonomy and performance. You’re calibrating and staying informed.

With teens: “What felt heavy this week?” or "what do you wish went differently this week?"

With employees: talk priorities, blockers, tradeoffs, clarity.

4) Developmental Coaching

Message: “It's worthwhile to invest in your strengths.”

This is where you move from boss to coach. Gallup is explicit that today’s workforce, especially Millennials and Gen Z, responds best to managers who coach them and help them grow and develop.

With teens: support identity without inserting your opinion. Yeah I know, that's super hard.

With employees: grow capability without trying to control it.

5) Progress Review

Message: “Let’s reflect honestly, what did we learn, what needs to change, what’s next?”

This brings accountability without shame.

With teens: consequences + repair + reset

With teams: results + learning + recommitment

The deeper trick: make your closeness predictable

It seems that the cactus dynamic gets worse when our closeness is random.

If you only approach when something is wrong, your presence becomes a threat or an uncomfortable witness. If you never approach, your absence becomes a story of “They don’t care”

A simple leadership rhythm, these five conversations, creates predictable proximity. It tells people:

• “You will have autonomy”

• “You will not be abandoned”

• “You will be coached, not controlled”

• “We will be honest (not dramatic)”

  
  

That’s secure attachment for grown-ups (with calendars).

With teens: don’t announce the method. Just be consistent. They’ll feel the difference long before they can name it.

How to Get Inside the Cactus - a tiny practice

When you approach a prickly moment, teen or team, try this three-part opener:

1. Name autonomy: “You’ve got space to own this”

2. Offer support: “I’m available if you want a sounding board”

3. Confirm belief: “I trust your ability to handle it, and we’ll learn as we go”

   
   

It’s oddly disarming.

Invitation: want to build a strengths-based culture that boosts engagement?

If you want to turn this “cactus dynamic” into a leadership advantage across your team or organization, I can help. As a Gallup-Certified Strengths Coach, I work with leaders and teams to build strengths-based cultures, because when people know their strengths, use them intentionally, and feel coached, engagement rises and performance gets a lot more sustainable.

If that’s the direction you’re moving, developing managers into coaches, increasing engagement, and creating a culture where autonomy and support can coexist, reach out and let’s explore what would make the biggest difference in your context.

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Hi, I’m Monika, Strengths Coach and facilitator. I help individuals and groups cultivate resilience, emotional intelligence, and well-being through strengths-based coaching. Passionate about transformative and creative leadership, I empower leaders to drive meaningful change within themselves, their organizations, and beyond.

I hope you’ll visit often, and I look forward to connecting and working together!